This column isn’t just for the bad beats, the winners or the losers… this is for the chaos that creates those outcomes. Every week we will relive the drama together – from the highs and lows to the sure things that suddenly weren’t sure anymore – and rate them using our signature scale known as the “bucket of tears.” 1 bucket is no big deal! Everything’s fine. 5 buckets? The Gambling Gods ripped your heart out and are laughing at your misery.
This is all about the community created by angst and celebration – and nothing captured those emotions better than the return of the NFL. From 4:15 to 4:45 eastern time on Sunday… all hell broke loose.
Just when you thought the Falcons lead was safe and the Saints were left for dead, you were reminded that the Falcons are gonna Falcon.
The Atlanta Falcons lost all these games https://twitter.com/NFL_Memes/status/1569357018645016576?s=20&t=WbMrLnS6VPP9GOfJlTUErA
— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) September 12, 2022
The dirty birds needed a bath after watching a second half 16 point lead fizzle while Jameis Winston carved up their defense like he just got a fancy set of those “As Seen on TV” knives that cut through anything. Leave it to Atlanta (+195 moneyline) to remind us all never to talk that talk until the clock hits zero.
Verdict: One bucket (It is Atlanta, after all)
Congrats if you had a pick six as the first score of the first Sunday NFL!
Bengals QB Joe Burrow throws a pick-6 to Steelers Minkah Fitzpatrick for the first touchdown of the first football Sunday of the season. https://twitter.com/NFL_DovKleiman/status/1569011317175992322?s=20&t=WbMrLnS6VPP9GOfJlTUErA
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) September 11, 2022
Joe Burrow was giving away interceptions like Oprah gives away cars and both teams seemed to forget that field goals only count if they go through the uprights. Moneyline bettors and survivor pool players aren’t ready for this roller coaster already.
Verdict: Three buckets
Just when your Sunday can’t get weirder the Texans say “Hold my Beer!” and play for the tie instead of the win as time ran out in overtime. That’s right, the rare “everybody lost!” moment known as punting from midfield with seconds remaining.
Texans fans watching the offense jog off the field and play for the tie instead of the win. https://twitter.com/NickSchwagerNFL/status/1569154202424823808?s=20&t=WbMrLnS6VPP9GOfJlTUErA
— Nick Schwager (@NickSchwagerNFL) September 11, 2022
This gets an elevated bucket rating out of sympathy for everyone in a survivor pool that had to re-read the tie rules to figure out if they won or lost. Week 1 is more like “Week No One Won,” am I right? I’ll see myself out.
Verdict: Four buckets
From the Giants going for 2 and the win over the Titans to a long field goal from the Browns to beat Baker and the Panthers, there were buckets galore to hand out all day. But Saturday wants to get in on the “misery loves company” fun. I know I was crying early Saturday thanks to Ohio State.
Ohio State up 14-3 with third and goal on the final play of the first quarter. Harrison with the goal line catch and it appears he crosses the goal line as time expires to secure the +12 I needed for the first quarter – but nope..
That Ohio State spread was a criminal bad beat. FG 4 seconds into the second?? https://twitter.com/MattRicupero/status/1568645133436096513?s=20&t=A4uK4sbrEoh7xAlrCsH1PA
— Matt Ricupero (@MattRicupero) September 10, 2022
My wallet got killed almost as badly as Arkansas State did.
Verdict: Five buckets (It’s personal….)
Trailing the Nittany Lions 46-7 with 6:50 to go and you face 4th and goal from the 3. What do you do? Oh, I don’t know… how about kicking a field goal! Did I mention the total was 56?
Great decision by Ohio to kick FG 😊
CFB betting cheat sheet: Finding value betting first halves https://twitter.com/DougESPN/status/1568681531622789121?s=20&t=mg9SmcjOXG30cKddldXnSQ
— Doug Kezirian (@DougESPN) September 10, 2022
I think we know which side Doug bet on this one.
Verdict: Two buckets
None of us can see all the action on Saturdays. That’s why you need great friends that share your passion for pain. Northwestern Duke, sadly, gave us that.
I had to see it to believe it, and all that did was make the pain worse.
UNBELIEVABLE FINISH at Duke vs. Northwestern 😱
Evan Hull looks to score the game-winning score but he FUMBLES and Duke recovers to win the game
S/O Jaylen Stinson and Darius Joiner with the forced fumble 💪 https://twitter.com/TPortalCFB/status/1568684991969918976
— The Transfer Portal CFB (@TPortalCFB) September 10, 2022
Verdict: Four buckets
Even Notre Dame got in on the “how did that just happen” fun. Somebody somewhere was buying drinks for the whole bar if they played the 1st half Marshall money line, especially after this close call
ND was this close to pulling ahead before the half…
Marshall 1H ML (+575) ✅ https://twitter.com/ActionColleges/status/1568693078336356354
— Action Network Colleges
(ActionColleges) September 10, 2022
The “un” luck of the Irish?
Verdict: Two buckets
For all of the wins and losses I can only be sure of a few things. I’m sure that by Saturday morning we will all have our confidence back. By Sunday, we will be ready to again pull up our group text threads and trash talk. And by this time next week? There will be more buckets of tears to hand out.